What do Taraji, Tracee and Rihanna have in common?

They are utterly beautiful, talented, and professional in their respected fields. They also happen to be single!

She’s a boss lady but where is Mr. Right?

She probably starts her week off with a to-do list consisting of items that juggle her professional, personal and social life. She thrives when she can, one by one, check off the items on this list.  She may be in the health care industry, a lawyer or maybe an educator. She may even be an entrepreneur or a combination of both. She’s probably enrolled in school and working towards a degree. She may even be doing all three. She’s bold, strong and though her life may look jam packed, she can manage to do it without breaking a sweat or any signs that it can’t be done. The idea of who she appears to be may seem magical compared to the societal constraints and social media comparison. She’s a go-getter, independent and visionary; business gets handled, opportunities seem endless and you can tell that she cares about something in the world. Respect for self and those around her are crucial; there is no thirst trap with her; she simply lives her best life and aims to conquer her goals.

Per CNN/Washington Post about 70% black professional women were accounted for being single. 42% of those women were unmarried. We’re doing everything right according to society: we went to school and found our lane to be successful in. But what is truly happening with the gap? Are black women too strong? Do we make men feel that they are not needed? Do our brothers aim to date specifically outside of the race? Whatever your opinion may be, the truth of the reality is that: there seems to be a lot of single black women with something to bring to the table and a lot of men who want the packaged deal (or maybe not yet) but aren’t cuffing.

One thing is for certain, we are in 2018 and things have changed from the times of our grandparents.

When was the last time you heard the word “courting” actively being used?

With the shift of technology and social media becoming ingrained in our daily lives, it can make life easier (or more complicated if you examine through a different lens). Even so, black women across the nation and world get up every morning and make exceptional contributions to our world, communities and households.

It is clear that I am no expert in this field, however my observations prompts curiosity regarding the black single professional woman. I, myself, fall into this category. I believe that everything happens for a reason and timing is everything, but that doesn’t take away from my countless interactions with others and the infamous questions that finds its way into any conversation: Are you single? Not dating? Where is your boyfriend, husband or hubby? No matter how hard I work to avoid the conversation from going down that road, we always travel to Single Avenue.

I didn’t notice until the outside world pointed its fingers directly at me and reminded me that though life may be all good, I am still the friend, the woman who appears to be everything BUT someone’s girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. It seems like after hitting the age of twenty-five, everyone and their mothers decided it was time to breathe down Courtney’s neck about what was assumed to be my choice in the single life. I have been told and given advice from almost everyone, and I’ve reached the conclusion that either the advice I have been given is truly terrible OR I am probably doing something wrong (or right, I’ll get to this point later).

I have never been a woman with a cookie cutter type. In regards to appearance, I’ve been open to all ends of the spectrum. Same with careers, educational backgrounds and upbringings. How cliché is it of me to say: “Yes, I only date dark skinned men that hold bachelor degrees or above within the business industry and stand at about 6’2 weighing about 200 pounds.” I recognized at a young age two things:

1. Appearance is one component of a person. How they look doesn’t account 100% for who they are internally.
2. Limiting myself to a certain look, limits my options and I am potentially blocking my own blessing.

If I could give any advice to single ladies out there, please from one sister to another; don’t spend all your energy into judging his appearance. Yes, you should want him to be presentable, and able to clean up nicely if you must step out and stand side-by-side with him BUT with these expectations also comes the same expectation that YOU can deliver the same. I am an individual who has learned through life’s lessons that standards are for typical people. It is truly unfair to set expectations when you can’t meet them yourself. Don’t demand for him to be GQ material if you aren’t the cover of Vogue.

I can only attest to my own journey. It has been indirectly stated several times before that men like the idea of who I appear to be; but not all that comes with it. They like that I am goal-driven, motivated and a go-getter but when they get a peek through the door they quickly become deterred by the long work days, projects and countless meetings. They like the idea of my independence but they seem to secretly cringe at the fact that my independence is tied to a passion that I am working to build foundation of legacy that creates stability not only for self but every generation that comes after me. I am in no way, speaking for the men. However, I do know that it seems as though: No matter how great she truly is, love is still lost.

When interacting with the professional, black single woman take these tips into consideration:

• Women are natural at nurturing. This means she nurtures everything around her, including her work and you as well.
• She will find time for you, if you show that you are capable and willing to meet her at the fork in the road that’s least expected. Fit into her life if you want to get to know her, try a community service event as a “date.” Meet her for lunch in between her meetings.
• She’ll compromise. Some men assume that because her schedule is booked, she won’t or can’t make a way. When a woman is building an empire and she is focused, you should deliver the message that you aren’t here for games or to distract her from building; but you are here for her. When she recognizes that, compromising will be the least of your worries.
• Untraditional becomes your middle name. If you’re a black professional single man pursing a black professional single woman get used to the word untraditional. You’re busy and she’s busy. Which means dates could look much different than the normal. The objective if you are both on the same page should be getting to know one another and not focusing on where and what the date should be. Take the initiative to integrate both of your lives while never losing sight of your individual goals.
• Learn to understand. She’s not at home waiting for you to come home. She’s making moves, just like you. Understand that her goals are hers and your goals are yours. You both should be willing to assist each other at getting to the next check point. When you’re grinding to achieve your dreams, those around you must understand that sacrifices sometimes have to be made. She shouldn’t have to worry that you will leave or feel some type if way if a business meeting pops up on her calendar in Chicago on a Friday Morning. Help her and help y’all make something out of the busy life-style. Expand horizons and excitement, suggest making that a bae-weekend getaway and enjoy the few days in Chi-town after her meeting. She’ll be more than willing to do Vice Versa.
• Be Organic. She wants a significant other, but she doesn’t want it to be forced and she probably doesn’t want to have to worry about her love. For the professional woman, it has to be organic. Be her friend. Chat from time to time. Get involved with professional opportunities together. Casually hanging out may be an option but whatever you do, do it authentically. The best way to get to know someone is through their work, don’t try to pull her from her work; be real in your friendship, don’t leave her to wonder and help support the foundation. She’ll do the same.
• She recognizes efforts. She may be busy; but she notices your efforts and she is truly grateful for accepting her AND her work. Your gesture doesn’t go unnoticed; she’ll find a way to show you her appreciation.

Doing the right thing means not settling just because you’re reaching the age where you SHOULD be heavily involved and on the road to marriage. This means that she becomes comfortable that it is not her time and if she is spiritual in any regard, she is confident that the higher powers are preparing him for her just as much as she is being prepared for him. Being single isn’t all bad, in the last few years of my true single life I have learned more about myself than I have ever known. I cannot expect him to love me, if I haven’t learned how to love myself properly. I use my singleness to fall in love with myself daily. I also use my singleness to capture learning how I can eventually love my significant other so that I am ready to be an adequate partner who is excited to stand alongside and work towards building a double empire.

The professional black woman understands that timing is everything. She is not angry that her prince charming hasn’t found his way to her. She uses her singleness as opportunity to finish preparing for her partner in success, co-captain and companion. She doesn’t wish to make you work 100 times harder but to simply accept that it is possible for her to be a boss and bae at the same time. She doesn’t want to give up on her dreams or the notion of love; but she does want to be comfortable in both elements as she would want the same for you.

Loving the idea of who she appears to be but not all that comes with her is almost like wanting a piece of cake. Only, you don’t know how to cut the cake; so, you get frustrated at the cake because you don’t know how to properly cut it. Be a cake boss, not the grocery store cart boy!

Signed,

Love still exists

Part 2 coming soon….